The Impending Apocalypse

Today is December 6, 2012, and we only have fifteen days to prepare for the Mayan prophecized end of mankind. I figure that there will still be a few stragglers left to roam the barren Earth, and fight for the remaining resources in a Mad Max fashion (you know what I mean--driving around in a hoopty covered in spikes with my scantly clothed punk rock wench with pink hair and so much eye-liner that she looks like a linebacker on gameday. Oh, and don't forget my loyal one-eyed companion who grunts all the time and refuses to tell the story of how he lost his eye instead just saying "I have a score to settle." It just so happens that he is an expert shot at long range with a sawed-off double barrel shotgun). So judging by my mad survival skills, I most likely will be one of those left to fight for what is ours. Pack only what you need, my friends, and let's take shelter in this cave I found. Don't worry, I've stocked it with plenty of food and water to last a few months.

There are many ways the world could end. With all the advances in DNA and medical research, I am predicting that a the government will release a synthetic virus that will turn much of the population into flesh eating zombies. By watching "The Walking Dead", I've learned there is no sense in trying to save someone who has already turned. There is no cure for zombiness. Shoot for the brain stem. Don't waste ammo shooting them in the chest. If you just happen to have a kitana, use it. Just don't let yourself get overwhelmed by the undead--that's how you get yourself bit. Another thing, if Carl can shoot his own mother to prevent her from turning, you sure as hell can shoot the creepy old man that peeks shadily through the blinds when children walk by. You can't save everyone. I am somewhat under-armed for this event. I have a 12 gauge skeet gun with 50 rounds and a shovel in the garage. So one of the first places I would recommend looting would be Bi-mart. Take all the ammo,weapons, camping gear, and canned food we can carry. Let's find somewhere high and secure to set-up.

I guess another possibility for the end of the world could be alien invasion...however I feel that we would win that battle. Aliens are pussies. Just sneeze on one and their whole population will die off in a matter of days. Hell, I know a couple girls that could just have sex with one of them to speed up the process--Just buy them a couple drinks and their skirts will be flipped up for some martian dong in a galactic gangbang. With the nasty shit they are carrying, the aliens would be wiped out within a few hours.

So let's say the aliens don't have the immune system of an AIDS patient...run to your local toy store and buy a Super-Soaker. Fill it up with water (any water will do, but "tainted" water from a little girl's phobia seems to work best), pump it up to optimum pressure, and spray the aliens with it. It will burn them, thus giving your loser has-been uncle a chance to beat them down with a baseball bat--Swing away Joaquin, Swing away. (Apparently farmers in Pennsylvania don't have guns, but are huge baseball fans). That will teach them gangily green assholes for coming into OUR house and making them circles out in our corn patches!

There are other things that could make us go the way of the dinosaurs--Asteroid striking the planet, nuclear war, the sun giving off a burp of radiation to boil away the oceans, or even Lindsey Lohan's STDs mutating from the constant alcohol and cocain abuse into an unstoppable gelatinous blob. The probable fact of the matter is, I will most likely awake in my bed on December 21st, take a shower, and go about my business in a zombie free society. No shooting lessons today, Carl.