I am a one tusked walrus.

I feel like I lost something that was never there. This has been a weird month for me. A girl I let go came back into my life saying she made a mistake and never really gave me a chance. Now she's gone again. It's alright though...I don't think I could deal with her. Too noncommittal, non-communicative, and wishy-washy. I want someone who wants to spend time with me--not feel obligated to be with me.

I met an amazing woman a couple months ago who I feel a great connection with, even if it is solely as friends. Realistically, chances of us ever having a relationship together was pretty slim due to the distance between us, but I daydreamed about her regardless. We went from talking all the time, to not really saying much. I feel like I am losing her now too.

I think I really need to sit back and reflect on who I am and where I am. Other than school, I am not sure where I am going in my life at this moment. I need to not worry so much about finding "the one" and just concentrate on making myself better.

Front Butts Drive Me Nuts.

I know you all have been waiting for me to write something crude and vile. I was considering writing about how my testicles look like two adolescent hamsters snuggled up in a nest of dark curly warmth or how a vagina looks like the leftover rubber from a popped balloon. Alas, I decided to go with another topic that I am sure you all will enjoy. It may start off a little crude, but I assure you I have a point to all this. Fuck, It's like my blog is turning into a P.S.A. or one of those lessons from the old G.I. Joe cartoons.

So, without much ado, here's the slightly more disgusting sibling of the muffin-top.....the front butt and friends. For those of you who don't know what a front butt is, it's when a person gets a roll of fat at the bottom of their bellies, that, when tucked into their pants, resembles a second ass on the front of them. I know you all are thinking "Wow Mike! That's two asses for the price of one! That's a great deal for an ass-man like yourself." Well my friends, that is certainly not the case. The title may have been a little misleading. Front butts do drive me nuts--just not in the wolf howling at Jessica Rabbit kind of way. It's more of a "holy shit!" kind of way. I have never really understood how someone goes about getting a front butt, or for that matter--even become morbidly obese.  It can't be for high self-esteem. (Well, maybe in some Maury Povich kind of cases).

The front butt runs with a pretty unfortunate crowd-- the awkward, the humpback, the beak nose, and who can forget the twins, acne and backne. I see people people all over the place that make me think to myself "damn, that is one homely and unfortunate looking person." There is a girl in many of my classes that surely fits into this category. She is not much to look at, and she has this shrill, whiny voice that almost always makes me cringe. She occasionally awkwardly tries to talk to me and others in the class. She's the butt of many inside jokes (admittedly, some of my own). She is basically the oddball out in our class. I feel bad for her.

This is where I start getting to my point. There have been times when I feel awful for something I have thought about someone. I look at some people and see them for their physical discrepancies. I see their insecurities and awkwardness. BUT, does it make them any less human? Are they any less successful? Does it make them any less capable of finding and being in love? There are a lot of good people out there that people just can't see for who they really are. There is more than a body to a person. I've always said I treat everyone with respect and kindness, but do I really? I need to check myself out. I have plenty of issues. I am awkward. I have plenty of insecurities--my finger, my toe, my grey hair, the way I walk, etc. Do I want people to judge me for those things? No I don't. Nor should I judge others for theirs. I should strive to be a better person. I should view everyone as equals. I want to do my best to stop noticing people's flaws and start noticing their strengths. Treat people as you want to be treated.

Uncertain Future

I need a break from the uncertainty in my life. Every once and while I need a change. Even if it's a small change, it's a change none the less. I rearranged my bedroom for a sense of difference. I dropped someone who was bringing me down. I took a different route to class today. Sometimes simple things can make a huge difference in your perception of life. My life is preparing for some major change in the next couple years.

It's exciting for me to think about my future, but it also scares me shitless. Things have rarely worked out as I have planned or wanted. I got stuck in a rut thinking that it will always be this way for me. I just needed to break the monotony and mediocrity that has always plagued me. I've realized that it is me and me alone who can break the cycle.

It's too bad I can't predict my future. As much as I love chaos, it bugs me not knowing where I am gonna be and what I am going to be doing when I graduate from OSU next year. It will be a completely new experience for me. Before, I have only worked dead end jobs, and haven't really accomplished much. Sure, I worked my ass off at those jobs, but it was never going to get me anywhere. Now, however, I will have a chance at a real professional career. It's what I always wanted, but never knew how to do it. Each passing day it becomes closer to reality. It is an exciting experience for me. I have recently found a few fields within civil engineering that I feel I could enjoy and be successful in. There are also a few firms that I would love to work for. I really don't know where I will go from here, but I do know it's better than where I was headed. 

I don't want to play anymore.

Believe it or not I planned on writing something else when I started this blog, but I have a feeling that it is just kind of going to snow-ball into a plethora of randomness and who-knows-what. So let's begin, shall we...

There's always a fat kid with a ton of heart on the basketball team that continues to play no matter how exhausted he get. Even when they're down 30 points, and they haven't won a game all season, he keeps going until he can finally go no further. There is a point where he just stops and says "I don't want to play anymore." It's not the fact that he feels like he's failed--he has plenty of other talents. It's not even that he wants to give up, he just realizes there is a point when he's fighting a losing battle. Well, that is my newest metaphor for dating.

I don't want to play anymore. I've said it before, but I absolutely hate the dating game (and no, I am not talking about the t.v. game show). I try and I try to succeed at it. I keep coming back to it thinking that this is going to be my time to shine. Well, this is me quitting the game. 

I want my ONE and ONLY, and I want someone who wants me as HER one and only. I want a woman (and yes, I mean woman--not girls. Girls play games, women are for real) who wants to spend HER time with me. I want hear our laughter and see our smiles when we are TOGETHER. It's what love and relationships are-- going for walks, talking about our days and future and dreams-- NONE of this shopping around until someone else comes along or "keeping my options open" bullshit. Oh, we all know how the "Grass is always greener..." always works out (yes, I mean that in a sarcastic smart ass kind of way). In fact, I had a friend tell me that earlier today. She tried to keep three guys around at any given time so if one lets her down, she can call the other. I've heard other people say it before (both guys and girls), so I am sure it is a fairly common occurrence. To be honest, it infuriates me. I've been the other guy before, and it's not a good feeling. It's heart-breaking enough when she chooses someone else over you. Dragging someone along while you're "shopping" just adds insult to injury to one's heart. If you don't want to be with someone, let them go--it's heartless to drag them along when you know damned well how they feel about you. I know I sure as hell don't want to get my heart broke again.

That get's to my next game I can't stand, and nor will I play. Why do people think it's cute to play stupid and naive? Really? I know little kids that love to play the "Iiiiii don't know ;) (that semi-colon parenthesis winking smiley thing is representative as a cutesy smile of a little kid biting their finger cartoonishly while saying "I don't know")" game, but most people I know grew out of it when they graduated the fifth grade. 

And, FINALLY, I am tired of being around people that bring me down. It's almost as bad as dating. Like I've said, I'm nowhere close to perfect, but do treat everyone with respect and kindness. I refuse to associate myself with people who are constantly degrading others. Really, do you feel better about yourself because your punk ass treats a less fortunate person like they are worthless?? Or that you can be rude to the lady who works at Walmart or 7-11?? You're just another asshole who can only be respected by other assholes who drip to your level. You might as well collect a bunch of teddy bears and dolls since they will be about the only ones who truly respect you.

Moral of the randomness: treat people with kindness and respect. Love and be loved.

Damn this bum leg

Actually this has nothing to do with my legs. Nor does it have anything to do with a bum's legs either. In fact, this is probably the last time you hear "leg" or "bum" in this post. I am not even really sure what I am writing about in this post. It may be safe to assume that it could become a rather nasty rant considering I am running on an hour's sleep in the past 24 hours. So, yeah, I'm feeling a little testy.

I always over-think everything. I get frustrated when things aren't going the way I planned. I just want one thing to work out for once. Is that too much to ask?? Fuck it gets frustrating getting so close to fulfilling my desires and dreams, yet always falling short. I don't know what to do with myself, but what I am doing clearly is not working. Actually, this rant is getting a little redundant....maybe it would be better off if I just left this one at "fuck it."

33

Wow. I am 33 years old. Well, technically not for another 12 and a half hours, but I rounded to two significant figures, thus making me 33. My lucky number is 3, and my age has two 3's in it, so in theory, this age should be twice as lucky for me. Or would it be 11 times as lucky?? Mmm, I guess we will just have to wait and see what the year has in store for me.

I remember my parents being my current age--I would have been 12. At 33, my parents had three kids, married for thirteen years, and were in the process of buying a house. I figured I would have at least some of that by now. I don't. BUT, I am hopeful that I will in the near future.

I've had a ton of opportunities and experiences in my adult life. Some worked out great for me, while others not so good. I started my adult life not having a clue what I wanted in life. All I knew is that I wanted to go to college and run track and cross-country. Alas, I stayed at Northwest College for a few years, worked on the oil rigs for awhile, and lost track of my dreams of running in college.

Not all was bad from this. I met my first love. Had my first real broken heart, so I did what any logical 21 year-old would do--I left all I had ever known in Wyoming and moved to Oregon. After a long talk with my friend Ryan and his sister Renee, I decided that moving to Oregon was best for me. Even if I failed miserably, at least I tried something new. It was the single hardest, yet the best thing I have ever accomplished. Sure, I miss my family, but I knew it was something I needed to do. I packed up my green Jeep, and left for Eugene. With each passing mile I would think to myself "it's not too late to turn around". It's about when I reached Bend, Oregon that I realized that I was past the point of no return. I was scared shitless.

Moving from super-conservative Wyoming to super-liberal Oregon was definitely culture shock for me. The change was an exciting experience for me. Everything was new. I was experiencing a sense of independence. I made some great friends, saw the ocean, and found out that I love college football!

I planned on getting my residence so I could go right back to school, but alas, I started making some pretty decent money at Monaco Coach. I worked there for around seven years (with a short period of 7 months that I tried car sales--big mistake on my part, but that's part of life). I finally found my drive to go back to school when Monaco went bankrupt. It was a shitty situation for many of us. Many are still struggling to make ends meet. Monaco always held me back. It was too convenient for me to stay. I just allowed my life to get stuck in a standstill of mediocrity. The day they told us we were getting laid-off, I went to LCC and signed up for classes. I've been at it ever since. It made me have dreams and goals of success again.

I know I've made my share of mistakes in my 33 years, and one thing I have come to realize, is that you can't hold anyone responsible for your actions but yourself. There have been times when I've tried to put the blame on others, but it's always been my own damned fault. Regardless of the mistakes I've made, I still have great friends and family who love me. Thank you all for all the times we've shared over the years--both good and bad. I look forward to sharing future experiences and relationships with you all in the my next 33 years. Love you all.

This strange life

Life never ceases to amaze me. You've all heard the term "whenever one door closes another one opens". Well, I don't know if that is entirely true. There have been many points in my life where all the doors have been open at the same time leaving me to ponder the many schemes of my future. Other times, there simple aren't any doors to open. It's all or nothing. I guess this just pertains to certain aspects of life at any given time. At one moment, you can be getting a hundred different job offers, and the next, you could be getting laid off on unemployment with no job prospects at all. You could spend years alone, but in one second you could have a few love interests. Opportunity changes like the weather. That's why it is so important to take advantage of the opportunities that come your way. There is no guarantee that another door will open for you.