Holy Weirdness

I had some crazy dreams last night. The ones where you live a whole other dream in between hitting the snooze button on your alarm clock. They were the kind that feel so real that you still feel your heart racing when you wake up. I can't even remember most details, so I am not even sure if it was even a bad dream. I just know it wasn't the type of dream where you and Scooby-Doo are ghost hunting in a candy factory in Kansas while Elmer Fudd, Megatron, and Neo from the Matrix battle it out for the prize in a Cracker Jack box. Ok, I've never had that dream, but if I did, I sure the hell would have checked myself into the Johnson Unit. Anyway, I don't remember much, but I do I know it made my day start off little rough. At least my grumpiness (maybe distress is a better word) didn't last, and by the end of the day, I was back to my joking, happy-go-lucky ass (as my buddy Jonah used to call me).

Do you ever have those dreams where people from your past show up despite having not seen them in years? They always look the same as they did when you last saw them. I think one of those dreams happened last night. I am pretty sure that both Grandpa and Granddad were there. Both healthy and active like they used to be. Grandpa racing his Jeep and playing in the mud, while Granddad was cutting grass on his riding lawnmower. It's funny how little memories pop up in your sleep. I think it made me miss them. I spent a lot of time with both of them growing up. Spending the summers at the cabin and playing in the river. Going to Jeep Rallies, hunting, and fishing. Looking back, they both played a major part in who I am today. I've had some regrets for not spending more time with them before they died. I do know that their memories and lessons will live on in me. 

Alarm. Snooze.

After that, all I really remember was this beautiful brown haired woman trying to give me a message written out in pebbles in the sand. I remember her telling me something important (although I can't remember what it was now). I faintly remember holding her hand, kissing her forehead, and telling her that everything was going to be just fine. One last glance into her eyes....And then my alarm went off again. I remember feeling sadness. Maybe it was actually a good dream that I had. Maybe the reason I was pissed off because I had to wake back up to reality. 

I believe that your dreams are your mind's way of playing out the things that matter most to you--your memories, hopes, desires, and fears. It would be wild if there was a way to record your dreams so you can watch them like a home movie while eating popcorn during your consciousness. Maybe, some dreams are best to forget.

My Friend Gym

So I've recently been reintroduced to an old friend of mine...the gym. I've always loved working out, but for some reason it is so damn hard to go at times. I always feel so much better after a good work out (other than it's kind of embarrassing how much I can lift right now compared to a few years ago! You know what they say "if you don't use it, you lose it.") There is a sense of accomplishment that you feel from working out. It's amazing how much my confidence sky rockets when I've been lifting for a few months. I need to get back on it.

I remember back in the day when I ran everyday and dreamed of being an Olympic athlete. I was never really that fast, but I always pushed myself to my limit. There was a point where running was my life. (I still have a bit of an addiction to running shoes). I loved the thrill of competing. Even if I lost, I took pride in the fact that I tried. There was nothing that compares to trail running! I remember the times running with Ryan or Coach Boos in the McCullough Peaks or on Heart Mountain in Wyoming--it was like we were combining running with the rugged nature and incredible views. Their were the countless times we ran Airport Hill or the times I ran in the country by my parent's house (how many places can you run where you see antelope and teepee rings along the trail--I even stepped on a rattlesnake once!). Then when I moved to Oregon, it was running through the trees or wood chip trails.

I guess what I am getting at through these nostalgic memories is--I want to find that drive that I used to have for running, and use it in all aspects of my life. I put so many miles on the ground. It didn't matter if it was raining, snowing, or 100 degrees out (personally, I'd take running in the rain or snow any day over 100 degree weather). By getting back in shape, I feel it will help be regain my confidence and help me find success in all I do.

This endless game

There are really only two things that stress me out--Money and women. And women beat money out by a long shot. (Sure I get a little stressed at school, but school is more overwhelming than stressing.) 

Ah yes, dating. The one game that I can't win at. Oh, and basketball--I really suck at basketball. Maybe it's just bad luck or maybe I just have a bad attitude towards dating. I just can't seem to get anything lasting to progress.

I've never found a balance between moving too fast and moving too slow. It's been a lose-lose situation for me. When I get excited about a girl, and I can't get to know her fast enough. I want to spend a lot of time with her. I daydream and think of the possibilities of our relationship together. I just assume she feels the same way. I feel like I need to make it happen, and end up scaring her away. It's happened more than I'd like to admit, so you'd think I would have learned my lesson by now.

My fear of moving too fast led to me moving too slow. It's happened a few times. Oh, I still daydream as before--I can't help it. It's what I do, but instead of impulsively trying to make her fall for me, I just wait it out and let her make the first move. I wait too long and end up missing out. It's only worked once for me...and even then she said "It's about time!! I've been waiting for months!" 

A couple months back, I thought a girl was really into me. I'd known her for a long time, but lost touch over the years. We started talking and had some very deep conversations about what we were looking for. I played it pretty cool up until winter break. I thought it was a pretty big deal when she wanted me to come visit her on Christmas (or so I thought she wanted me to--visiting someone's family on Christmas seems kind of like a relationship thing to me). I thought it was gonna be the perfect chance to make some magic happen--I thought she was on the same page as I was. Apparently not. She would say random things that I never knew how to take. Are we together or are we just friends? Is she hinting that she's not interested? Is she seeing someone else? It was frustrating. Honestly, it was one of the most frustrating dating experiences I have ever had. It still frustrates me some--She was the kind of girl I've always looked for. I know I will get over it, but it left me feeling inadequate. It's too bad it didn't work out. We may have had something really amazing--but that's all in the past now. 

On the bright side, she made realize how important communication is in a relationship. Communication is a must. I am naive to hints. If you're not interested, you're not interested--it's a normal part of life. What's not fair is dragging someone along because you don't know what you want. I have a belief that if you are interested in someone, you know it and you should be open about it to that person.

This just doesn't go for women--men are just as bad. I know I'm not perfect. I've had plenty of fuck ups in the past. I want to keep my shortcomings in the past. I know there will be a woman that enters my life that can handle my quirkiness and love me for me. We will have a beautiful life together. Until then, my love, I will dream of thee.

Love

As many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. I've always believed in chivalry, flowers, "love at first sight", and all that other crap that hopeless romantics do.

I've had this daydream for sometime now where I walk in the door and she rushes to my arms as if she hasn't seen me in years. We can't help but to smile and stare into each other's eyes as I hold her. I use my fingertips to push her hair away from her pretty face. My thumb rubs her cheek as my palm gently holds her jawline. The tips of our noses start to rub and we begin to kiss.....

In my mind it is much more vivid--too vivid for words. I can smell her perfume. I can taste her lips. I can feel her warmth and hear her heartbeat racing.

Cheesy, eh?? Well, that is my idea of romance and love. I believe that love is a mutual explosion of emotions between two people. When it happens, we will both know almost instantly. Just the thought of the person gives you goosebumps and you can't help but smile. For me--even the thought of being in love gives me goosebumps.

I want my love to long for my touch, as I will be longing for hers. I want her to dream of our future together--our wedding, our home, vacations to Europe, our children and their children. Even as we grow old, we would still go for drives in the country to find somewhere quiet to make-out just like first loves do. On our deathbeds, we would both know our love would never die.

I am not sure if I have truly been in love. I have said "I love you" to two girls in my life. I thought it was love, but looking back, I am not so sure. I've always said that I would go anywhere or do anything to make her happy. If it is true love-- then no sacrifice will be too large. I feel that when I meet her, I will just know it's who I have been waiting for.

First Day of Winter Term

Christmas break is officially over and it is back to classes. The first day of class went well. Just the usual first day things--going over the syllabus and trying to figure out what the hell the foreign instructor for hydraulic engineering is saying (not that I am judging his brilliance, but some accents are really hard to understand). I did happen to catch that Oregon State University has one of the top 3 rated hydraulic engineering programs in the country. It's pretty awesome that it is part of my program.

One nice thing that I have found about being in proschool is, for the most part, we are all in the same classes with the same people trying to accomplish the same thing. It makes it easier to meet people and create study groups. At least now I can get a few laughs when I make a smart ass comment instead of looking like the class asshole. One downfall is we still have the same few people that constantly ask redundant and dumb questions. I know, I know, there's no such thing as a stupid question, so therefore, my intuition concludes that there must be stupid people.

As an older student, I have found it hard to make new friends. I am 12 years older than most of the people in my classes--It's a bit of a generation gap. I still rock out to 90's music, while my classmates are jamming to Justin Bieber and Lil Whoever is the next one hit wonder is. There's a 20-year-old girl we nicknamed "Juicy Fruit" since she always chews fruity smelling gum and drinks Dr. Pepper all day. She's a good kid, but I am pretty sure she spends half the class jamming out to "Kid's Bop" albums on her Ipod.

That brings up my next rant. I am sure you've all seen the commercials for the "Kid's Bop" records. They take today's popular songs and have kids sing them on an album. I am not so sure if I agree with those albums--not because I think they are a bad idea, but they choose songs like "Lollypop" for them. Now, I'm not sure if all of you all have heard the "Lollypop" song, but I am pretty sure that Lil Wayne didn't mean "Shawty wanna l-l-lick it like a lollypop" as "Shawty has a sweet tooth and needs to fulfill it by eating a Tootsie Pop". Maybe I am thinking too deeply into it, but I feel Lil Wayne was using "licking a lollypop" as a metaphor for, well, you know, putting it simply and cleaner--making love to Shawty's mouth. Actually, is it even a metaphor? It's been a long time since I've had an English class, but he uses "like" in the song, so wouldn't actually be considered a simile? Hmmm. I guess I should do some research on the good ol' internet. I guess what I am saying, is that I don't believe it is appropriate for kids to listen to Lil Wayne, and definitely not appropriate for them to be singing his songs!

Alright, I am running out of rambling power. See you on the flipside!

This day

Winter break is finishing up, and classes start again on Monday. It has been a frustratingly long and lonely break for me. In my time of solitary confinement, I noticed things that I may have otherwise overlooked.

For starters, the scent of my shampoo is ocean breeze, yet, it smells like blueberries. One would assume that with a name like "Ocean breeze" that it would smell like salty seaweed and seagull droppings. That's what I anticipated when I purchased the stuff. Blueberries? Really? I'm a man. I need a scent that is manly like exhaust fumes or crude oil. I haven't tried it, but I am sure Axe makes a leather scented body spray now. Did you hear me?? Leather scented!! It sure the hell better not smell like no berries--that'd be an abomination.  

Secondly, when your primary companion is a dog, you talk to it as you would a person. Lilly and I had a wide variety of conversations in the past month. Granted, I did most of the talking, but she did occasionally answer with a bark. I am pretty sure she was just agreeing with me for the sake of argument. Oh well, it gave me someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me. Plus, I could tell her my deep, dark secrets without worrying about the skeletons falling out of the closet.

Lastly--well, to be honest with you, everything else are things I already knew--people ride their bikes on the sidewalk right next to an empty bike lane, if I where mesh shoes in the rain my feet are most likely gonna get wet, and I hate, Hate, HATE grocery shopping, especially at Winco. Not that there is anything wrong with the store itself, but seriously, something about that place makes people forget all their manners. People can be so inconsiderate. 

Anyways, that is enough randomness for one after noon. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Start of my Blog

Well, here it is 2012. I have high hopes for the year. From school to work to relationships, I feel that this could be my year.
I am not where I planned on being in life at this age. I always planned on being married with children, owning a house, and having a career that I am successful in. Alas, that is not the case. I am soon to be 33 years old, single, broke as a joke, and back in college. I am finally figuring out that I need to just be content with who I am and where I am going in life. Let things work out rather than trying to force fate to happen. Many of you have seen this already, but I chose three New Years resolutions that I hope to work on throughout the year to make me better:

1) Stop stressing and thinking into things so much! I always worry about stupid shit and take it out on people I care about. It's a bad habit that I have had as long as I can remember. I have ruined relationships and friendships because of it. I have a tendency to try to fix problems that don't exist and by doing so, I create problems. I just need to sit back and go with the flow.
2) Take care of myself by diet and exercise. I am visiting a nutritionist and have started running again. I am supposed to start lifting with a buddy soon. It is amazing how great I feel when I work out, but damn it is hard to get motivated at times.
3) Cut back on my partying. I am not sure if I party too much or not. Most of the friends I am around are in college (we all know that college is known for partying and drinking and waking up in a stranger's bed). I've decided that it is in my best interest to stop going out so much. It's not worth spending the money to feel shitty.

It takes time to change, and it will be a process. I just know I need to do something to feel successful in this life. I wish you all the best in 2012!!