I'll Take Your Breath Away

I've had a song called Possession by Evans Blue stuck in my head the last few days. Not really the whole song, just the part with the lyrics:

                            "I would be the one to hold you down
                             Kiss you so hard
                             I'll take your breath away
                             and after, I'd wipe away the tears
                             Just close you eyes dear"

When I first heard that part of the song, I got goosebumps. It's the hopeless romantic in me. It's the sort of things I dream of when I think of love and romance. It's the sort of things I would write for my love. The lyrics may not even mean the same as I have interpreted, but I like my interpretation, so I am going to roll with it.

I can feel what the words are saying. I've felt it before...A desire to hold her. To feel the intensity of passion in her lips. A driving force that draws us together. To hold her cheeks with my hands, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. Staring into the depths of her eyes. The feeling of our souls intertwining. Not wanting to be anywhere else. Wanting her to desire every part of me, never to let go.

I think of us parting ways, only for us to run back to embrace on another. Or even her coming back and crawling into bed with me after a fight. Holding our lips together as our tears mix as they roll down our cheeks. Knowing at this moment that we are meant for one another.

I long for the passion. Like magnetism, there is need for us to be together. To feel our pulses as we lay together. To feel the warmth our skin against one another. The scent her hair emits as I run my fingers through it. To hear her whisper I love you, as we fade away to dream......

I have an itch in the middle of my back

Times come and go when I can't sleep because I have something on my mind. This is one of those times. I actually haven't had much luck sleeping lately. I just lay there night after night thinking and daydreaming (well technically, it is night dreaming rather than daydreaming since it is usually night. I can't even call it regular dreaming since I am still awake, therefore, we will just stick with night dreaming. Technical enough for you all yet? Lets just continue shall we?). What exactly am I thinking about? It varies from night to night, depending on my mood. Tonight's mood is somber. I am excited. I am frustrated. I am scared shitless. Not all in a bad way, but it's true none the less. Lately I have been thinking of people and opportunities from my past, but tonight, I am thinking of my future.

Holy shit! I am graduating from college in three months! It's a feat I deemed impossible and improbable just a few short years ago. I am excited to finally have that piece of paper. I did it. No matter how many times I have doubted myself, I have finally done it.

Over a decade ago, I was freshly out of high school, working at The Athlete's Foot and Pizza Hut while starting college at Northwest Community College in Powell, Wyoming. It's not where I wanted to be, but it was college. I had a few missed opportunities to run track and cross-country at a couple small schools. As much as I like to blame others for it--it was my own damned fault. I was too scared to leave all I have known. Regardless of my choices, I was going to Northwest as a physical therapy major. What I thought I wanted to do at the time was to be an athletic trainer at a Division I school.

In all honestly, I had no clue what I wanted. I just wanted something more than what I had. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to make a name for myself. I wanted people to adore me. There are many times still when I don't know what I want. I still long for which I do not have.

I gave up on myself many years ago. I figured it was my destiny to just work dead-end jobs while living paycheck to paycheck (granted, that is my fault for wanting to live beyond my means). I never thought I would be able to go back to school. I never thought that I could ever get a degree. And then Monaco went under. I know a lot of you have heard this story before, but it is a defining part of my life that holds great value to me. After I was laid off from Monaco, followed their bankruptcy, I was given the opportunity to go back to school. That was just a few over four years ago now.

So, once again, I repeat, "Holy shit! I am graduating from college in three months!" I have no clue what I will be doing after graduation, but I am confident a job will arise. I am taking the FE Exam in April, which is the first step in getting my professional license. I may not be the smartest engineer in the field. Hell, I may never even work as an engineer. No matter what happens to me in the future, I did it. I will have my degree, and no one can take that accomplishment away from me.

The Impending Apocalypse

Today is December 6, 2012, and we only have fifteen days to prepare for the Mayan prophecized end of mankind. I figure that there will still be a few stragglers left to roam the barren Earth, and fight for the remaining resources in a Mad Max fashion (you know what I mean--driving around in a hoopty covered in spikes with my scantly clothed punk rock wench with pink hair and so much eye-liner that she looks like a linebacker on gameday. Oh, and don't forget my loyal one-eyed companion who grunts all the time and refuses to tell the story of how he lost his eye instead just saying "I have a score to settle." It just so happens that he is an expert shot at long range with a sawed-off double barrel shotgun). So judging by my mad survival skills, I most likely will be one of those left to fight for what is ours. Pack only what you need, my friends, and let's take shelter in this cave I found. Don't worry, I've stocked it with plenty of food and water to last a few months.

There are many ways the world could end. With all the advances in DNA and medical research, I am predicting that a the government will release a synthetic virus that will turn much of the population into flesh eating zombies. By watching "The Walking Dead", I've learned there is no sense in trying to save someone who has already turned. There is no cure for zombiness. Shoot for the brain stem. Don't waste ammo shooting them in the chest. If you just happen to have a kitana, use it. Just don't let yourself get overwhelmed by the undead--that's how you get yourself bit. Another thing, if Carl can shoot his own mother to prevent her from turning, you sure as hell can shoot the creepy old man that peeks shadily through the blinds when children walk by. You can't save everyone. I am somewhat under-armed for this event. I have a 12 gauge skeet gun with 50 rounds and a shovel in the garage. So one of the first places I would recommend looting would be Bi-mart. Take all the ammo,weapons, camping gear, and canned food we can carry. Let's find somewhere high and secure to set-up.

I guess another possibility for the end of the world could be alien invasion...however I feel that we would win that battle. Aliens are pussies. Just sneeze on one and their whole population will die off in a matter of days. Hell, I know a couple girls that could just have sex with one of them to speed up the process--Just buy them a couple drinks and their skirts will be flipped up for some martian dong in a galactic gangbang. With the nasty shit they are carrying, the aliens would be wiped out within a few hours.

So let's say the aliens don't have the immune system of an AIDS patient...run to your local toy store and buy a Super-Soaker. Fill it up with water (any water will do, but "tainted" water from a little girl's phobia seems to work best), pump it up to optimum pressure, and spray the aliens with it. It will burn them, thus giving your loser has-been uncle a chance to beat them down with a baseball bat--Swing away Joaquin, Swing away. (Apparently farmers in Pennsylvania don't have guns, but are huge baseball fans). That will teach them gangily green assholes for coming into OUR house and making them circles out in our corn patches!

There are other things that could make us go the way of the dinosaurs--Asteroid striking the planet, nuclear war, the sun giving off a burp of radiation to boil away the oceans, or even Lindsey Lohan's STDs mutating from the constant alcohol and cocain abuse into an unstoppable gelatinous blob. The probable fact of the matter is, I will most likely awake in my bed on December 21st, take a shower, and go about my business in a zombie free society. No shooting lessons today, Carl.

Thanksgiving

My original idea for a post was to get belligerent on mimosas and write a story about Thanksgiving. I ultimately decided against that since we all know that it would have turned into a mess of penis or butthole pleasure jokes mixed with Urban Dictionary slang. Rather than that, here's a little thankfulness thrown at y'all.

As bad as it sounds, I am thankful that Monaco went bankrupt--not for the thousands of us that lost our jobs, but for the fact that it gave many of us new opportunities in life. It lit a fire under my ass to go back to school. Had it not been for Monaco going under, I most likely would still be working there--hanging out in my bay next to Wayne and Marty and then hitting up Outfitters with Dave for 50 cent tacos and shitty beer on Wednesday after work. I didn't think I could ever go back to school, but now I am so close to finally having a degree. I've always wanted it, but was scared of failing. I will have my degree in June. I've never felt so proud of myself for doing it. I am thankful that I will have the opportunity to pursuit a professional career now. 

I am thankful for my family. It was great to spend the last few summer home with them in Wyoming. I know I am not as close to them as I wish I was. I know I haven't always been there for them. I was always a dick to my brother and sister growing up. I have regrets for not being closer to them, but I am thankful they still love me. I am truly proud of my brother, David. He is good at his job, and passionate about the things he loves. I am glad he found Elisha. I am thankful that Sara and Mark have a beautiful and healthy little boy, Bret. He is an amazing nephew, and I look forward to watch him as he grows. I love you all.

My parents are great. Sometimes you don't realize it until you get older. My dad is the hardest working man I have ever met. He taught me a lot about hunting growing up. In fact, I truly believe my dad could compete with most of the hunting shows he watches. He's probably where I get my practical jokester skills from! My mom has always been happy-go-lucky and optimistic. She is always loving and tries to keep everyone in the loop. I love her for that.

I am thankful that I was able to spend so much time with my grandparents growing up. My grandma Hatch was the coolest--she still tells me the same jokes she told me when I was little. Grandma Neeley always made sure we were in line, and that my English homework was properly written. Although both of my grandfathers have passed, I still hold their memories dear--going to Jeep races with Grandpa, and to the cabin with Granddad. I am thankful for the memories.

I am thankful for my friends. I know I can be a pain in the ass at times, but they all stay with me. Ryan helped motivate me to leave Wyoming and to find myself. I will always be thankful for that. I had so many good times with Marc over the years, and look forward to seeing him in a few weeks. Ethan and Amy have some awesome 4 year-old twins, Aiden and Gracie. I was fortunate enough to be there early in their lives. They are great kids. My buddy, Junior, has always been a great buddy. He is one of the friends who I believe truly understands me. It's been great to make friends like Hance and Josh in the past few years. I know we will all be friends for a long time. Even all my newer friends from school hold a place in my heart. I am glad to have met you all, and look forward to strengthening our friendships.

Things may not go exactly as I would like them to, and I have my faults. However, I do realize how lucky I am to have you all and the opportunities that I have been given. Thank you all for being in my life. I love you all. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving! Share love not only with all those in your life, but those who cross your path.

Ferme la Bouche

I've been back in Oregon for just over a week and a half now, and thought you all might like a little update on little ol' me. I've kind of been slacking on the blog, so I will try to write more regularly now that I am getting back into the swing of things.

I had a good summer in Wyoming. I was able to spend a lot of time with the family and meet my little nephew, Bret. Nothing too exciting happened this summer (besides Dad accidentally bear spraying my mom, aunts, and I--cough cough wheeze), but I did spend some time gold panning and antelope hunting with Dad and David, and going to the cabin with the parents. It was nice to be able to see them as much as I did this summer since it will be the last opportunity for me to do so once I finish school. I miss sitting around with them and the dogs during the evening while watching TV, doing crossword puzzles,  and covering our noses to Beth's doggy farts. Dad still thinks it's funny to put his feet on me (FYI: I hate feet!! Yick!), and tease me for regularly texting a certain special someone. It was all in good fun.

I worked on Rig 9 in the Elk Basin oil patch for the summer. I had spent a lot of time in Elk Basin growing up, and during my first tour of the fields in '98 on Rig 11. Honestly, I am surprised I made it some days. Our operator is one of the worst drivers I have ever had the privilege riding with. Just to be fair, he is from county 9 which is notorious for awful drivers, so bad driving is in his genes. There's nothing like driving a hundred miles an hour with a guy who is texting and telling stories with his hands the entire ride. I lost count of the wrecks we nearly caused. Anyways, we made it safely to location everyday, and worked our asses off in the blazing high desert heat. I have to say, I really do enjoy working the tubing deck latching pipe--I kind of turn it into a game or a competition against myself. I made some decent money in three months and managed to lose around twenty pounds. (now I just need to keep them off!) Overall, it was a good experience, and I had fun.

Now I am back in Oregon to finish my final year of school. I think this year will be a lot of fun. Reinforced Concrete has the potential to be a tough class (he only gives 4 A's out of a 100 grades), but the rest should be enjoyable. I am starting to look at jobs and career paths. I would really like to have a job lined up before graduation. I've also come up with a few goals for the rest of the year: Not drinking--sure a couple beers or a glass of wine is okay occasionally, but I really liked not drinking in Wyoming over the summer. I felt better without that haze. Secondly, I am going to work out regularly. It has taken me a long time to get back to the weight I am at--I need to maintain it. And lastly (I am finding my goals come in 3-packs), I want to relax and enjoy my last year of college. No stressing over silly things. No worrying about whether she loves me or not (Yes, falling in love is very important to me--it's honestly one of the most important things to me, but when I stress, it becomes my obsession. It's best that I just calm down and see where the ride takes us. If we fall in love, great! If not, someone is bound to come along.) No worrying about what I'll be doing next year--I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I want to share many smiles and laughs with those close to me, so someone tell me a funny, haha joke! So, to my friends and family--Thank you for the support you have given me over the years despite my awesome ability to be an occasional pain in the ass. I've had a lot of inspiration in one way or another from you all. I love you all, and look forward to sharing more experiences.

Spiritually Speaking

There are special moments in my life where I feel overly content and at peace with the world--at peace with myself. Even if these moments only last a few minutes, they put life into a different light that would have otherwise been missed. I am not really sure how to explain these moments. They are somewhere between awe and humbleness. They may seem simple, but moments like this have a significant place in my memory.

I remember as a kid, going to the cabin every summer with Granddad and Grandma. It was and is one of my favorite places in the world. As I grew older, I started seeing the larger parts to life than just school and playing. There would be work and mortgages and car payments and so on. I noticed how other people's lifestyles differed from my own. I started to ponder how the world was. 

Okay, back to the cabin. There is this large rock in the Clark's Fork River down the path directly behind Doc's cabin next door. It was just a few feet into the water, and was large enough for me to sit on. I sat there thinking and listening to the water rush around me. I watched the water swirl behind the rock catching a leaf to spin around only to spit it back out into the current. My only company was the occasional trout jumping to catch a bug on the water. I was at peace. My mind was clear. It was only me and nature. It was almost like I was on a native vision quest. God sent me there to see the world in a different light. I sat there for a half-hour or so, when I heard Grandma Neeley yell it was time for dinner. I left my rock.

I was an avid runner back in high school and through my first few years after graduation. I would run miles upon miles. I loved to run. Surprisingly, when I moved to Oregon, and Eugene aka "Track Town USA", I lost my drive to run. 

It wasn't long after I had moved to Oregon. It was raining pretty hard that day. I had always loved to run in the rain. There is something cool and refreshing about it. We lived on 30th and Willamette which wasn't far from Amazon Park, so I went for an early morning run on the wood chip paths there. I ran around the park for few miles, and then to the 18th street Starbucks where my friend Ryan worked. I hung out there for a few minutes chatting with him and a girl named Lisa before heading back to the apartment. It was still fairly dark out and I was soaked when I arrived home. I sat in the stairwell to stretch and catch my breath. At that moment, I felt at peace. I was still having a hard time getting over my ex-girlfriend and mending my broken heart. I was scared shitless of being in a new city and not knowing anyone or where anything was. But, for that short time, I was able to clear my mind. I sat there humbled, and I knew everything would be alright. I even said a prayer thanking God for that moment. 

I have had other moments like that I could ramble over-- Anywhere from sitting at the ocean, going for a drive in the country, laying on my back watching the stars or some clouds pass, and at church. There were points when I was going to church at the Faith Center in Eugene, where I could sense God. Like he had a hand on me. Honestly, there are a lot of times where I blame God for my own short comings. It has been a tense relationship at times, and we didn't speak for quite a while. I've built myself up many times to get knocked back down. Maybe it was God calling me out and needing to knock me down a peg, but most likely it was just me sabotaging myself. Who knows. What I do know, is I want to feel his hand on me again. I want to feel at peace with the world. 

Songs and Memories

Okay, so I meant for my last post to be semi-romantic and inspirational to myself, but it wasn't so much. Josh requested that I write one that was more for his entertainment, so I will try to say "penis" or something in this post.

When I work, I think. Well, today I was helping my dad clean out the ditches from the tit-tall grass that has overtaken. I started thinking of songs and memories. I have always been amazed how a song or a band can be tied to a person, place, or event. There are bands I love just because it reminds me of a certain time in life, and there are others I dislike because it reminds me of a person.

I remember going to work with my Grandpa Hatch to check on the sulfur docks when I was a kid. There is a little shack by the railroad tracks just outside of Powell where we stopped so Grandpa could check on everything. I remember him telling me to watch out for rattlesnakes. I was just excited that we saw some rabbits that had gotten into the building. Later, as we drove by the Homesteader Park baseball fields, Kathy Mattea's "Ball and Chain" and later on that trip Randy Travis's "On the Other Hand" played. I've always tied those songs to my grandpa.

I remember going pheasant hunting with Dad and David over at Yellowtail. We always leave to go hunting well before the butt-crack of dawn. In between sleep and staring at the stars I recall hearing a "Heart Like a Wheel" and "Broken Arrow" songs on the radio. I had them alternatingly stuck in my head all day as we parked below the old corrals (before they closed the road to traffic). I still remember taking pictures with David in our camo by an old cottonwood tree.

Smashing Pumpkin's "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" with Niederhauser and Casey at a wrestling meet in Thermopolis in high school. Ryan introducing me to Bush on our way back from the Jackson Hole cross-country trip--I couldn't get enough of "Come Down". In fact, it is still one of my favorite songs. I had to buy The Wallflowers at state track my senior year. I listened to the CD the whole way home from Casper.

I had an ex-girlfriend from years ago. I remember driving in my old Hyundai Elantra with Ryan and Kix. It was early in our relationship and we were listening to the newest (at the time) Offspring album. When the song came on that whose lyrics states "My friend has a girlfriend and he hates that bitch....", my ex said, "Wow, that's real nice." I just laughed. She was my first love and she loved Metallica. I still can't figure out why she thought Lars Ulrich was hot. Anyways, after we broke up, I hated Metallica.

When I moved to Oregon, there were two songs that I heard over and over again on the radio. "Better Man" by Pearl Jam and "Hemorrhage" by Fuel. It was a huge change for me. These songs still remind me of the significance of the move to Oregon.

I could go on and on about what songs remind me of what. I hope all of you have songs that bring you joy just by the memory it holds.


Oh, yeah, "penis"