It's been a month

Wow, I just realized it's been a month since my last post. Not so much that I am slacking, but I have been crazy busy with school. This has definitely been the hardest term I have had. Along with everything else, it has been wearing on me. Despite the sunny weather, I am feeling down today. Sooooooo, Blog, fulfill your purpose....

I guess to start off, as with every other blog I write, I am lonely as fuck. I have been single for some time now. I am 33, never married, and no kids. It's not for lack of trying, that's for sure. Everyone I could be interested either isn't into me, or they have some other excuse. I met someone a while back that was my ideal, but it didn't pan out. I meet someone, feel close to them, and they disappear. It's the story of my life.

I've been dwelling on some things the last couple days, and once I start dwelling on one thing, it segways into every other thing you can imagine. I need to get some things off my chest. Maybe if I do, they will go away. Dang, I hope my mom doesn't read this one. If so, sorry Mom.

Years ago, when I was in car sales, I slept with a coworker's wife. They we going through a divorce at the time, but I still felt horrible. I swore I would never do something like that....Yet I did it. It wasn't even a one time fling...it went on for months. I used to sext her while talking to her husband. She talked to him on the phone while we were having sex once. He jerked off to the scent of my cologne on her. Fucked up, right?? I started out as friends with her husband. The guy was one of the most manipulative people I have ever met. He stole a lot of money from me. Maybe that is why I justified sleeping with his wife. Regardless of how I look at it, it was wrong. I regret it. I still don't know why I did what I did. Maybe I was just tired of being nice and getting walked on. Who knows.

You all know my desire to be in a love and to be a father. A few years ago, I thought I accomplished one of those things. There was a little girl named Alaura...and for a short while, she was my daughter. I ran into her mother after a couple years of lost contact where I was informed that I may be the father. I remember the nights that we hooked up. I know we used a condom. And I remember the condom tearing the first time we had sex. It was completely plausible that Alaura was my daughter.

I started spending time with Alaura while we waited on the paternity test to come back. To be honest, I fell in love with that little girl. She was nearly 3 years old. From the moment I met her, I couldn't keep her off my lap. If I set her down, she would say "No Papa!", and jump back into my lap. Being me, I naturally felt that this was a sign that she was my daughter. Illogical as it was, I could see parts of her that looked like me. All I could think about was being the best dad that she could ever have.

So many scenarios played through my head. Should I stay in school or would I be better off finding a dead end job to support her?? Should I fight for custody, or should I let her mom have her??? All I knew for sure is that I wanted her to have the best life possible, and I was willing to do whatever it took. After a few months of playing dad, we finally got the paternity test done...There was only a 2% chance that she was mine. I felt crushed. Not only for me, but for her too. She deserved a daddy. Her mom still wanted me to adopt her. Hell, I wanted to adopt her. I just couldn't. As heart breaking as it was for me, I had to walk away...hoping and praying for the best for her.

You've all heard me rant about my bad luck with dating over and over again. Honestly, it is the one thing that affects so many of my life's decisions. I would go anywhere for love. I would give up so much for love. Hell, I'd do anything for love. (Now I have Meatloaf stuck in my head.) I have no clue what's going on with the most recent girl in my life. We've been friends for years, but it seems like she isn't really into me now. The girl before her, I could have found myself falling for. She was a "I could see myself spending the rest of my life with" kind of girl. The girl before her was just plain ol' batshit crazy.......and kind of boring. The girl before that..... Hell, I could go on for days about ex-flings and love interests. The fact of the matter is, there has got to be something wrong with me. Clearly there is something wrong. I go through chicks like Netflix. No one ever stays around long.

It's not so much that I am a bad guy or hate myself. I am a great guy. I try my best to be respectful and kind to everyone. I've always been hard on myself. What bothers me...I just do and say some stupid shit. I don't know why. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me, or just try to hard to be funny. It's what I do. If you are my true friend, thank you for accepting me for who I am. If you love me, there is a good chance I love you too. I long to be loved and love. Please don't keep me waiting much longer.